There are so many different parts to the journey of autism. Sometimes you think you’ve got things under control and then it all falls apart. Sometimes you just manage to get settled and then suddenly you’re starting all over again with another child. Sometimes you think you have a strong fierce warrior momma exterior, and then you realize inside you can feel everything. Every. Single. Thing.
I wish what I’ve learned I can teach to my children so they don’t have to learn for themselves. That’s not the way this works though is it? No matter how badly we want to protect them from pain, we can’t do everything. We can’t prevent everything.
We can’t stop peers from telling him to stop following them (since he can’t read them enough to know when they’re done). We can’t help the other one understand that things won’t always happen in his specific order. Most of all, we can’t stop from seeing ourselves in them.
Parts of this road have been bumpy, jagged, demolished. I’ve felt lonely, confused, torn apart.
But just stop for one minute and think, can you let go of that?
Can you let go of the parts that really don’t matter? For example, does it matter what other people think of you and how you manage your life and your family? Honestly do they actually have any idea? That nosy woman at the grocery store, she has no idea that you’ve been awake since 2am. Again. Basically for four years straight now. The family member who thinks you’re a ‘tad’ bit overbearing has never seen your child in the midst of a sensory meltdown, completely locked up to the point of self-harm. No wonder you can scan the room for potential threats or triggers as good as a Navy Seal.
But for real, all of that? I’ve been there (frequently). I hate that I feel things so strongly sometimes. But what I have realized that holding on to all of the things that I can’t change was stopping me from advancing. Literally holding me back. I need to be the best version of me so I can help them become the best versions of themselves.
I choose to let go of the fear, the anger, the pain. Of course they may come to visit, but they will not rule me. This isn’t an easy path, but so what if the road is uneven. It is a lot easier to navigate without holding on to the extra baggage.